I have in my right hand, direct from my home office, Top Ten Things Not to Say at Airport Security.

10. So, you're one of those under-paid, under-trained slackers I've read about.

9. Hey (as you duck for cover), be careful with the box.

8. Hi . . . if the security officer is named Jack.

7. Just a little lower to the left with that wand. Oh, yah, right there.

6. I'm not taking off my belt without at least dinner and a movie. (Yep, the matronly security lady was asking all the men to take off their belts before we went through the metal detector.)

5. (As the metal detector sounds the alarm.) Oh, I've been wondering where I put my samarai sword!

4. I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law. I have a right to an attorney. If I cannot afford one, one will be provided for me.

3. This x-ray machine just shows up guns and knives, not drugs, right?

2. Clever comebacks to stupid check-in counter questions

"Has anyone you don't know asked you to carry a package on board?"

"Only this box that keeps ticking."

Security have absolutely NO sense of humor. You'll be in cuffs before you can say, "I was kidding!" In fact, it's a Federal offence to joke about weapons. You may, and I quote, be subject to prosecution for violations of Federal Criminal Statutes and subject to civil penalties up to $10,000 for each violation of Federal Aviation Regulations.

And, the number one thing not to say at airport security . . .

1. Osama bin Laden!

Some additional observations from my recent flight in the un-friendly skies:

+ + +

Why don't airlines keep security at Code Red, Def. Con. Five, or whatever they call it. Don't terrorist keep track of these security levels? Abdul, the Al Qaeda chat room says we must hold off our great and glorious campaign against the Satanist Americans until they again become mindlessly complacent and go back to Security Level: Dumb Questions at the Check-in Desk. A terrorist has only to be a bit brighter than the dumbest airport employee! So, I'd like to see security kept at a high level in the future so that I'm secure that I have a future.

+ + +

Don't you think, in light of the current fear of flying, Northwest Airlines would find a desk job out of sight of the public rather than at ticket counter for the Detroit airport employee with the beard and turban?!

+ + +

And finally, a reminder that the most dangerous part of a flight is the trip to and from the airport. As the driver pulled the conference center van unto the freeway in Philadelphia, I sighed with relief, It's great to be back on the ground safe and sound. And, of course, after I said that we were immediately struck from behind by a sports car that obviously mistook I-95 for the Indianapolis speedway. We escaped with the usual whiplash aches and pains while Michael Andretti crawled out of his overturned car and into an ambulance.

The next day, the insurance company insisted that the driver and I get checked out at the E.R.. There, I was asked to take off more than just my belt, which proves once again that flying is still the safest form of transportation.

Copyright © 2001 James N. Watkins

Related Site
Annual Airline Survival Guide



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