  
The best of Humor: 2011
Here's my best (?) humor from the past year. I hope you find my posts entertaining and filled with hope and
humor. (And click for "The Best of Hope: 2011.")
One-liners from TwitterFace
• GOOGLED to find the BACK STORY on words that went VIRAL and became annoying but EPIC WOW FACTORs in 2010. A real AH HA MOMENT!
So tell your BFF to MAN UP and REFUDIATE these words when you FACEBOOK. JUST SAYIN' (Monday, January 3, 2011).
• If you really love Jesus, DON'T make this your Facebook status. Instead feed the hungry, entertain
strangers, clothe the poor, care for the sick and visit prisoners (Matthew 25). And don't honk!
(Tuesday, January 4, 2011).
• To error is human, to err is correct grammar (Friday, January 7, 2011).
• Great line from Lois: "I hate driving in winter. It makes me skiddish" (Thursday, January 13, 2011).
• Hu is in Washington. Who? Hu. No, who is in Washingon? Yes (Wednesday, January 19, 2011).
• I'm not saying the roads were icy this morning, but on the way to watch the granddaughters, I met a
Zamboni (Wednesday, January 19, 2011).
• The media is referring to the recent storm as "Snowmaggedon" and "Snowpocalypse." Growing up in
Michigan, we simply called it "February" (Thursday, February 3, 2011).
• You know you're married to a "cheese head" when you visit Lambeau Field on your honeymoon! Go Packers!
(Friday, February 4, 2011).
• I lost count of the number of groin injuries during the Super Bowl. And that was just the commercials.
(Monday, February 7, 2011).
• HomeAway.com announced it will remove the
"test baby" in future ads and "will replace those online ads with other
creative executions" (Wednesday, February 9, 2011).
• I made six figures writing in 2010—but only if you count the numbers to the right of the decimal point
(Wednesday, February 9, 2011).
• Justin Bieber's NEVER SAY NEVER 3-D movie is just out. I think that's one thing to which I can safely say never
(Sunday, February 13, 2011)
• Teddy, our weather-reporting dog, just came in covered with ice, which means it's sleeting. If he comes in
covered with flakes, it's snowing; wet, it's raining; dry, it's clear; if he doesn't come in, strong winds
(Monday, February 21, 2011).
• Please dust off your screen. I can barely see you (Thursday, February 24, 2011). .
Monday, April 4, 2011
Is ‘Iron Man’ really a good idea?
Iron Man 1 and 2 did so well at the box office, that 3 is being planned for 2013.
I probably overthink things, but I'm not sure iron is the best component for a super hero. Superman is vulnerable
to kryptonite, but Iron Man can be stopped in his tracks by being caught in the rain. And that giant magnet at the
scrap yard or an MRI technician can easily take him out.
So here, IMHO, are some better engineered superheroes:
Titanium Man: Ten times stronger and lighter than Iron Man without any of the irritating rust issues.
Lead Man: Mild-mannered Chinese toymaker by day, but by night is invincible to radiation and airport security.
Teflon Man: No weapons stick to this superhero, plus cleanup's a cinch!
Silicon Man: Faster than a super computer and able to leap firewalls in a single bound, but has been known to be immobilized by the evil Tech Support.
Platinum Girl: Utilizing powerful good looks, able to reduce evil geniuses to babbling idiots.
But who is the supreme superhero? Click here for my nomination.
© Copyright James N. Watkins
Monday, April 11, 2011
Clone-liness not next to godliness
It's pastoral vote season in my denomination. And despite all the ponderous prayers that parishioners seek
"the mind of God" in voting, I haven't seen a single unanimous vote! Perhaps . . .
The church of tomorrow will have unity,
Thanks to our science and technology.
No disagreements o'er buildings and plans,
Or if, when we sing, we should sit or should stand.
And every member will always agree,
In every matter of church polity.
In doctrine, convictions and pastoral votes,
There'll be only yes's on balloting totes.
Say goodbye to politicking over the phone,
Hello to tomorrow's "First Church of the Clone."
A clone, of course, is an exact genetic duplicate. But in the Body of Christ, "clone-liness is not next to
godliness." First Corinthians 12 is a celebration of diversity and uniqueness in the church.
Paul uses the Greek word translated "like-minded." In the original language it meant to "center one's
thinking on something or to steer one's action by this mind set, having one's mind guided by a way of thinking,
having one's mind set on one purpose."
So while we have one mind (Jesus Christ and His teachings), we certainly don't have one mold (personality,
background, tradition or even convictions)!
God demands unity, not uniformity—or even unanimous votes.
© Copyright James N. Watkins (Originally posted June 10, 2008)
One-liners from TwitterFace
• Nothing captures the true meaning of Easter like an inflatable Easter bunny on a Harley. "Lord, come
quickly!" (Easter Sunday, April 24, 2011)
• I think my State of Mind just seceded from the Union (Tuesday, April 26, 2011).
• Bracing for a long night of wind and thunder—and that's just the annoying weathercasters
interrupting my TV shows (Tuesday, April 26, 2011).
• Harold Camping, the radio preacher who predicted the return of Christ today, is recovering in an Oakland,
CA, hospital after emergency surgery. Camping admits to misinterpreting the biblical signs. "Apparently, God was
not telling me to expect a rapture, but a rupture." (Sunday, May 22, 2011)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Top ten lamest hurricane names
The national weather service is predicting three to six major hurricanes with winds exceeding 111 MPH during the
2011 season which begins in little over a week. And, so, I have in my right hand from my home office in Corn Borer,
Indiana, the top ten lamest hurricane names:
10. Alfie
9. Barney
8. Candy
7. Dudley
6. Ernestine
5. Fabio
4. Gertrude
3. Harold *
2. Izzy
1. Jim
* In honor of Harold Camping's
prediction that Christ would return this past Saturday. (Let's pray the
weather service's prediction is equally over-stated!)
One-liners from TwitterFace
• I need to either mow the lawn or plant rice (Tuesday, May 24, 2011).
• You know you're the "old" guy on the church staff when you're the only one in weekly meeting with long
pants. (In my defense, they were jeans.) (Tuesday, May 24, 2011)
• I guess I don't get it. To me, camping seems a whole lot like being homeless (Friday, May 27, 2011).
• The Crystal Cathedral is being put up for sale to cover its 7.5 million dollar debt. No joke! That amount is just
for the cost of a year's supply of Windex. (Okay, the last part is a joke.) (Saturday, May 28, 2011)
• I would suck as a vampire (Sunday, May 29, 2011).
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Top five silly things flight attendants say
I have in my right hand, direct from a layover at O'Hell International Airport in Chicago, "Top five silly things
flight attendants say." (It's summer, and I'm too lazy to write ten!)
5. Let me know if there's anything I can do to make your flight more enjoyable (How 'bout giving me the
whole can of soda? How 'bout an in-flight magazine that doesn't have the crossword puzzle half done?
How 'bout spraying some air-freshener in the lavatory? How about . . . Oh, that's right; it's just part of
the script.)
4. To fasten your seat belt, insert the flat metal tab into the buckle, then . . .
(If a passenger doesn't know how to use a seatbelt, he or she probably shouldn't be out unattended.)
3. In case of the loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the overhead panel. Put the mask over
your nose and mouth and breathe normally. (I'm sorry, but if a gaping hole opens in the cabin, I don't think I'm going
to be breathing "normally.")
2. Please return your seat to the upright position. (But I'm so enjoying the luxurious, relaxing
half-inch of "reclining.")
1. In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device. (If I'm
hurtling toward the ocean at 500 mph, I'm afraid I'm going to use my seat cushion for something other
than a floatation device.)
One-liners from TwitterFace
• Casey Daigle, former major league baseball player, and his Olympic softball player wife,
Jennie Finch, just named their newborn son "Diesel." Click here for
my list of the worst baby names (Friday, June 24, 2011).
• I wonder how hail was measured before the invention of the golf ball (Monday, June 27, 2011).
Monday, July 11, 2011
Top ten reasons I haven’t written a top ten list recently
10. Following 24/7 coverage of the Casey Anthony trial
9. Recovering from face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck
8. Training for August's Iron Man Triathalon
7. Raising my debt ceiling
6. Extreme couponing
5. Running for Republican presidential candidacy
4. Laid-over at Chicago's O'Hell International
3. Standing in line for final Harry Potter film
2. Competing in "America's Got Talent" Corn Borer, Indiana, auditions
1. Lying more than Casey and Cindy Anthony combined
Truthfully, several editors got together and decided to assign me projects all with July deadlines. That's
good, but it does cut into non-paying blogging, tweeting, and Facebooking. And when I'm under stress, I'm
just not funny—as evidenced by this lame top ten list.
Cowboys & Aliens and top ten other mad match-ups
I thought Cowboys & Aliens was going to be a campy comedy, but apparently it's a serious flick
with serious directors (Stephen Spielberg and Ron Howard) and serious actors (Harrison Ford.) Now I
learn there's a movie in the works based on a best-selling novel about Abraham Lincoln as a vampire
hunter, as well as Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Really! You can't make this stuff up!
And so, I have in my right hand, direct from my home office in Corn Borer, Indiana, tonight's topic:
Top ten mad match-ups:
10. A radical Muslim and a plain passivist: low-tech terrorist, Osama bin Amish
9. Tim "Project Runway" Gunn and Fred "God Hates Fags" Phelps star in Queer Eye for the Hate Guy
8. The Smurfs and Avatar: "The New Blue Man Group"
7. Martha Stewart and federal institutions: Extreme Make-Over: Prisoner Edition
6. Harold Camping
and Joel Osteen tour together with "The World Ends October 21, But You Can Feel Happy About It"
5. Ballroom dancing and the Russia revolution: Dancing with the Czars
4. "The Transformers" and late-night infomercials: They slice, they dice, they make julienne fries! But wait, there's more . . .
3. Middle Earth and middle management: Boss of the Rings
2. Zombies, werewolves and vampires: Eat, Prey, Love
And the number one mad match-up:
1. Jerry B. Jenkins, Rick Warren and William Paul Young co-author Left Behind in the Purpose Driven Shack
One-liners from TwitterFace
• The whole debt debacle reminds me of an old quip: the opposite of progress is congress (Saturday, July 23,
2011).
Monday, July 25, 2011
Top ten ways to reduce the national debt
10. Sponsor a national garage sale (Do we really need two Dakotas?)
9. Make Chuck-E-Cheese tokens legal tender
8. Turn Blair House into an upscale bed and breakfast
7. Have senators and representatives salaries based on median income of their constituents
6. Have the presidency be a volunteer position. (Does someone worth $5 million need $400,000 a year, plus
housing and generous pension?)
5. Make the U.S. government an Amway distributor (just sign up ten more
countries, who sign up ten more countries . . .)
4. Tax illegal drugs, porn and "The Jersey Shore"
3. Creditors who forgive debts can rename national landmarks:
The Wan Ting Monument,
The Grand Dragon Canyon,
The Statue of Liang Ting, . . .
2. Have Rupert Murdoch write a check
1. Cut up Congress' credit card
One-liners from TwitterFace
• The only thing that kept me from committing suicide in junior high was knowing that, if I did, my parents
would kill me. Here's some hope if you're feeling desponent (Friday, July 29, 2011).
• The Catholic Diocese of Orange county has offered $50 million cash to buy Robert Schuller's bankrupt Crystal
Cathedral. I don't know, though, is it a good idea to feature a glass confession booth? (Friday, July 29, 2011)
• Aging is all in your head! Blurred vision, foggy memory, hearing loss . . . (Saturday, July 30, 2011)
Monday, August 1, 2011
The ‘Hope & Humor ’ app store
Friend and fellow humorist, Rhonda Rhea,
had a great one-liner on her Facebook about Smartphone apps. So, I posted several knockoffs on my Facebook, and
then several friends chimed in.
Professional athletes making way too much money? There's a cap for that.
Need some affirmation? There's a clap for that (Lynetta Smith).
Keeping your spouse awake with your life-threatening snoring? There's a CPAP for that.
Need to use the facilities? There's a . . . oh, I think you all get the picture (Dan Stevens).
Want an over-priced cup of coffee? There's a frap for that.
Need a new pair of jeans? There's a Gap for that.
Want to hold and hug your kids/grandkids? There's a lap for that.
Lost and don't want to ask for directions? There's a map for that.
Feeling sleepy mid-afternoon? There's a nap for that (inspired by Rhonda Rhea).
Ready for your yearly exam? There's a . . . never mind (Faith Dodzweit Bogdan)
Angry? Violent? Disrespectful toward women? There's a rap for that.
Wanting to run an Internet scam? There's a sap for that.
Boyfriend getting fresh? There's a slap for that.
About ready to lose it? There's a snap for that.
Need to tie one on? There's a strap for that (Marti Pieper).
Thirsty? There's a tap for that.
Raccoons in your trash? There's a trap for that.
Love The Sound of Music? There's a von Trapp for that (Michelle Rayburn).
Sprained your wrist? There's a wrap for that.
Tired of all these app jokes? There's a zap for that! (Donald Hasselman)
One-liners from TwitterFace
• The President has been warned that the White House could be left without power after Hurricane Irene,
to which he replied, "Yeah, tell me about it!" Seriously, praying for a quick recovery for all in her path
(Saturday, August 27, 2011).
• Corn Borer, Indiana, is not immune to natural disasters. In 1999, an F3 tornado flattened the town
causing $300,000 worth of improvements. Praying for God to work good out of Hurricane Irene! (Sunday, August 28, August 27, 2011).
• On Billy Wilder's tombstone: "I'M A WRITER BUT THEN NOBODY'S PERFECT" (Thursday, September 22, 2011)
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Top ten things not on my ‘bucket list’
10. Handfishin'
9. Eating 70 hot dogs in ten minutes (Current world record is 69)
8. Cage fighting
7. Skydiving
6. Body piercing (with the exception of household repair accidents)
5. Hiking Iraq and Iran border
4. Running for president (Wanting to be president should immediately disqualify a candidate as mentally unstable.)
3. Dancing with D-list stars
2. Swimming with sharks
1. Winning Grammy for "Best New Rap Artist"
One-liners from TwitterFace
• I'm going trick-or-treating as a chocoholic in need of a fix.
(Monday, October 31, 2011)
• Supreme Court will hear case as to whether citizens can be forced to buy health insurance. I was hoping the
government would throw me in jail for not having it. Then, I would not only have health insurance, but food,
clothing and shelterprovided by the government! (Tuesday, November 15, 2011)
• I just realized I'm old! When I say, "I'm going to spend the day watching girls," I'm talking about my
granddaughters. (Monday, November 14,2011)
• A bill before the U.S. Congress argues that pizza sauce is a vegetable. That makes Hawaiian
pizza—my favorite—the perfect food: crust (carbs), ham (protein), pineapple (fruit), cheese (dairy) and sauce (vegetable).
(Thursday, November 17, 2011)
• On the bottle of Crest Pro-Health mouth wash: "24 Hour Protection. Use 2X day." (What time space
continuum does Proctor and Gamble inhabit?!) (Sunday, November 20, 2011)
• You're just jealous because the voices talk to me! (Sunday, November 27, 2011)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
‘Tweeting’ the Christmas story
Mary: Lord's Servant My life is so boring!
Mary: Lord's Servant Take back last post!
Joe the Carpenter Mary, you're WHAT?
Mary: Lord's Servant
I haven't felt my baby kick, but it sometimes feels like He's walking on water.
DailyScroll Caesar Augusta decrees all world should be taxed; Roman Senate deadlocked over payroll
deduction.
Mary: Lord's Servant I told Joseph to make reservations!
WoolWatcher Bored to death keeping watch over flock by night.
Mary: Lord's Servant I think it's time to deliver this miracle baby. My wine broke!
Angel Born city of David: Savior, Christ Lord. Sign 2 U: wrapped W swaddling clothes in manger. Glory 2 G in highest,
on earth peace, goodwill 2 peeps.
WoolWatcher Take back last post!
King Herod Magi came by the palace asking "Where is the king?" Not very wise men!
Joe the Carpenter Up in middle of night w/ another disturbing dream. Need to pack. Now!
Mary: Lord's Servant A lot to ponder.
[More from The Twitter Bible]
One-liners from TwitterFace
• In my writing and speaking career, I've never had a big break—several stress fractures—but
never a big break. (Sunday, December 4, 2011)
• Just saw a "Jersey Shore" Christmas ornament at my local Walgreens. Nothing says the birth of Christ
like a figurine of "The Situation"! (Excuse me while I hurl!) (Thursday, December 8, 2011)
• Reduce. Reuse. Re-gift. (Friday, December 16, 2011)
• Why does Mark Zuckerberg hate us?! (Thursday, December 22, 2011)
• Our son, Paul, on having a third child: "We've gone from one-on-one to zone defense." (Saturday, December 24, 2011)
• When I look at my children and grandchildren, I am so grateful for recessive genes! (Monday, December 26, 2011)
Monday, December 26, 2011
Top ten signs you had a bad Christmas
I have in my right mitten direct from the home office in wintery Corn Borer, Indiana, todays category:
Top ten signs you had a bad Christmas
10. Instead of Christmas, you celebrated Festivus
9. Uncle Harold drank too much egg nogg
8. The Bumpusses' dogs ate your turkey
7. You watched Ernest Saves Christmas
6. You gave your wife/girlfriend a gift certificate to Weight Watchers
5. Three words: Batteries not included
4. Two words: Chia pet
3. One word: Fruitcake
2. You celebrate Christmas only one time a year (See The 365 Days of Christmas)
1. In all the hustle and bustle, you forgot to say "Happy Birthday,
Jesus"
I hope and pray you had a great Christmas with family and friends.
If not, you may want to check out:
• How to avoid problems with in-laws
• Putting the X back in Christmas
• Top ten reasons Santa is not a good role model
• Top ten signs you spent too much money on presents
Copyright 2008 James N. Watkins
One-liners from TwitterFace
• To my British friends, Happy Boxing Day! Many families in the States celebrate it Christmas Day—after
they've had too much to drink. (Monday, December 26, 2011)
• "I don't celebrate the magical thinking that says one random point in the space-time continuum is
somehow special." Dilbert (Happy New Year nevertheless!) (Saturday, December 31, 2011)
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