Every single issue of Cosmo promises "red hot," "toe-curling," "intense," "unbelievable" sex. But sex therapist
Theodote Rubin warns:
"Sexual athletics simply cannot provide long-lasting or deeper satisfactions, and to expect them to is asking for
disappointment—disappointment that is destructive to all areas of the relationship."
So, what are the secrets to truly xxx-ceptional sex? First, the bad news. Sex has become an Olympic event!
"Ukraine
Lois Elaine, known for her gymnastic skills, is going for a triple orgasm
which is a '10' for 'degree of difficulty.' Both Lois and her partner,
James, have scored well for 'artistic impression' and 'technical merit'
in the last round, but James was penalized two-tenths of a point for a
'balance check.' Here comes the dismount. Wow, he really stuck that landing!
This could put this couple in the medal round!"
We're coached
by such books as How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time; Hot, Sexy, and Safe;
Sex Begins in the Kitchen; Super Marital Sex, and The Multiple-orgasm
Male. (I'm not making these up! Really!)
And your local
adult bookstore and Texaco rest room provide the latest in performance
enhancing items. (Those with Y-chromosomes, may wish to move directly to Secret 3 (
The Guy's Guide to Cars . . . and Sex) but do
come back and read the rest of the owners manual.)
Dr. Theodore
Rubin in One to One claims, "This stress on mechanics is destructive.
It leads to superficialities and to pride investment in performance rather
than healthy interest in richer relating. Sexual athletics simply cannot
provide long-lasting or deeper satisfactions, and to expect them to is
asking for disappointment--disappointment that is destructive to all areas
of the relationship."2
It's also important
to point out that The Kinsey Report on sexuality was written by
a zoologist who interviewed prostitutes and imprisoned pediphiles!
(Hopefully, not an accurate demographic sampling.) The famous sex-pert
Masters (of Masters and Johnson) was a gynecologist. They approached the
subject in lab coats, rather than observing the emotional and spiritual
dynamics of a loving relationship. So, whatever good the Kinsey Report
and Masters and Johnson have provided in the techniques of sexual intimacy,
has overshadowed the artistic merit of nurturing loving relationships.
Secret 1: Communication
At one marriage
clinic, 650 couples were asked what was the greatest problems in their
marriage. The virtually unanimous answer was "sex and communication."
They are closely related!
You'll also need
to read the related site on communication
for this chapter to make complete sense. (If you're a guy, you've already
skipped ahead to see what Secret 2 and 3 are, haven't you?!)
Secret 2: Context and
Commitment
I love Lois's
beautiful dark brown hair. But the first time I found one of those beautiful
dark brown hairs in my dinner, suddenly it was anything but "beautiful."
It was the same beautiful dark brown hair, but it was in the wrong place.
Hair is designed for scalps and not for scalloped potatoes. And when it's
out of place, much of the beauty is lost.
The same is true
for sex. It is a beautiful, extremely pleasurable act expressing love and
commitment. And so, for twenty years I have been speaking about the wonderful
gift of sexuality in schools, camps, colleges, churches, and conferences.
But when practiced
out of context, the beauty of sex--and even some of the pleasure--is lost.
That's why ancient scriptures and modern university studies reveal that
context is what makes sex either delightful or dangerous. And a committed
relationship is certainly not boring. Let's listen in on this committed
couple.
Woman:
Let him kiss
me with the kisses of his mouth--
for your love is more delightful than wine.
Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
your name is like perfume poured out.
No wonder the maidens love you!
Take me away with you--let us hurry!
My lover is to
me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts.
How handsome
you are, my lover!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant.
I slept but my
heart was awake.
Listen! My lover is knocking:
"Open to me . . . my darling, my dove,
my flawless one."
My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening;
my heart began to pound for him.
I arose to open for my lover,
and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with flowing myrrh,
on the handles of the lock.
I opened for my lover . . .
Man:
How beautiful
your sandaled feet,
O prince's daughter!
Your graceful legs are like jewels,
the work of a craftsman's hands.
Your navel is a rounded goblet
that never lacks blended wine.
Your waist is a mound of wheat
encircled by lilies.
Your breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle.
Your neck is like an ivory tower.
Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon
by the gate of Bath Rabbim.
Your head crowns
you like Mount Carmel.
Your hair is like royal tapestry;
the king is held captive by its tresses.
How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
O love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, "I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit."
May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine.
Woman:
May the wine
go straight to my lover,
flowing gently over lips and teeth.
I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me.
Place me like
a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.4
Wow! Straight
out of the Bible's "Song of Songs"! With this as their bedtime reading, no wonder those with
strong faith also have strong feelings! In fact, university studies have
shown that total sexual intimacy (intercourse) before a total commitment
(marriage) creates several problems.
1. It weakens
trust between partners. A partner may wonder, If he can't wait for
sex until marriage, how can I be sure he will be faithful to me after we're
married? In fact, studies show that those who have more than one sexual
partner before marriage are more likely to have extramarital affairs.
Perhaps this
distrust leads to further conflicts. For ten years, Dr. Nancy Moore Clatworthy,
a sociologist from Ohio State, has been researching couples who have lived
together.5
Dr. Clatworthy's
survey asked questions about "finances, household matters, recreation,
demonstration of affection, and friends." In every area, the
couples who had lived together before marriage disagreed more often than
couples who had not.
2. It lessens
the importance of sex as a symbol of commitment. If you know that several
other women have worn your fiance's engagement ring, it won't be as special
as if you and that special guy went shopping for it and picked it out just
for you. The same is true--only on a much intense level--with sexual intercourse.
If you or your partner have had sex with just one other partner, then intercourse
can't be as a unique expression of your love. (You can have "protected"
sex, but there's no condom for your heart and soul!)
Dr. Clatworthy
also observes, "The finding that surprised me most concerned sex.
Couples who has lived together before marriage disagreed about it most
often."6
Dr. E. Mansell
Pattison, chairman of the Department of Psychology at the Medical College
of Georgia, believes the lack of commitment is the reason sexual relationships
are the most common break up factor. In marriage, couple have time to work
through sexual problems (and sex is never problem free!). But, in a live-in
situation, the partners can simply go looking for other willing partners.
Sex and commitment
can't be separated. The research shows that total intimacy without total
commitment leads to concerns of breaking up, often "extreme unhappiness,"
and more disagreement--especially about sex. As a result, Dr. Paul Pearsall
claims "Super sex requires super love, a love that is possible only
in a relationship that lasts . . ."7
3. It lessens
the degree of intimacy. According to Leo ("Gimme me a hug!")
Buscaglia, living together is "pseudo-intimacy, a caricature of an
intimate relationship."8 And, again, researchers agree. While there
may be good intercourse, there is little intimacy. It's impossible because
both partners know very well that they're on trial. At any moment--for
any disagreement--the other can walk out with little legal recourse. So,
one is always conscious to be on their best behavior. Sort of like an extended
date. (And the possibility for emotional and physical abuse is much higher
since live-in's will tolerate traits in each other that they wouldn't accept
for one minute if they were married with a lifetime ahead of them.)
Live-in's may
experience sexual intimacy, but only in a life-long, committed relationship
can couples enjoy personal intimacy.
4. It lessens
the degree of happiness in the relationship. A question on Dr. Clatworthy's
survey asked about the couple's "usual level of happiness." One
possible answer was "extremely unhappy." The only couples checking
that answer were the one who had lived together. Want to guess how may
of those who didn't live together before marriage checked that box? None,
again!
Doctors Kenneth
Stewart and David Olson's survey of over 17,000 couples verifies Clatworthy's
findings. "Almost two-thirds (64%) of cohabiting couples fell into
the low satisfaction group, whereas [the same percentage] where both partners
lived alone [before marriage] fell into the very satisfied group."
The researchers also found that "couples that live alone before marriage
seem to have the best premarital relationship, which we have found is also
predictive of later marital success."9
5. It lessens
the commitment itself. According to the Ohio State University study,
couples who lived together and then got married often fantasize about breaking
up. Guess how many of those who didn't live together before marriage checked
that answer. None! And two out of three live-in relationships did not end
in marriage--they just ended.
Sociologists
Jeffery Jacques and Karen Chason of Florida A & M did not find one
couple who felt living together prepared them for a lasting relationship.
The researchers found the average live-in commitment lasts nine and one-half
months. (At least most marriages that end in divorce last over six years.)
Dr. Clatworthy
concludes, "For people who are in love, anything less than full commitment
is a cop-out. Many girls have found, to their sorrow, that they lost the
best partner they might have had by living with him."10
And so, sex and
dark brown hair are beautiful in the context of marriage and scalps. But
something quite different under uncommitted circumstances.
Secret 3: Concentration
X-ceptional sex requires real concentration. So, to keep us guys'
attention, I've put this third—and important—secret in terms we can understand.
Click here for the third secret: The Guys Guide to Cars . . . and Sex
© Copyright James N. Watkins
Related sites
• Communication (No hablo Estrogen!)
• The Hidden Habit (Masturbation)
• More articles
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