‘Fifty Shades of Beige’

July 30th, 2014 | Posted by jameswatkins in Uncategorized


July 2014

Sunday, Lois and I will celebrate our fortieth anniversary in Valton, Wisconsin, with family—and without family! (Wink! Wink)

But apparently the really big news is that the trailer for E. L. James’ sadomasochistic novel, Fifty Shades of Grey, set a record for number of online views. I thought it was fascinating that when the stars, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, were asked if filming the sex scenes was erotic, both of them looked repulsed and gasped NO!

And that is why I think a better title for the book and film would be Fifty Shades of Beige. Here’s why:

Reel sex is not real sex

Has this ever happened to you? You vacation in an incredible location, such as the Black Hills of South Dakota, shoot 500 pics of majestic mountains, wild buffalo, Mount Rushmore, and—of course—world-famous Wall Drug. You race to Walmart to make prints and as the kiosk prints them out, you feel a sense of disappointment. “Mount Rushmore looked a lot bigger in real life.” You just can’t capture “Kodak moments” with a camera.

The opposite is true, too. I had seen lots of pictures of Mount Rushmore in school and my grandparents’ 8 mm home movies. But until I was staring up into George Washington’s 6-foot nostril, I couldn’t imagine the size and wonder of this monument that is—well—monumental.

The same is true with sex. (Stay with me; there really is a correlation between stone sculptures and steamy sex!)

Our culture has taken something grand and glorious, magnificent and mysterious, and reduced it to digital images on computer monitors, HD TVs and movie screens. And we wonder, why in a culture saturated with sexual images, so many are sexually dissatisfied.

Rather than celebrating sexuality with their life partners, many are squinting at peep shows, drooling over fold-outs, reading Harlequin romances, and sitting in the dark staring at Fifty Shades of Grey as Dornan and Johnson get naked and very kinky.

Looking at pictures—of Mount Rushmore or naked actors—doesn’t allow for the real satisfaction of actually being there! It’s hard to have meaningful relationship with a video or a fold-out. (And besides, do you really want people with staples through their navels—unless, of course, you’re into body piercing.)

Granted, reality is hard work—whether it’s a family vacation or doing what leads to families.

Looking at pictures of Mount Rushmore is a whole lot easier than loading up the minivan with the family and enough luggage to clothe a refugee camp, eating bologna sandwiches out of a cooler, and listening to 15 hours of “Are we there yet?” But the real world is so much more exciting and satisfying than the “reel” world.

And being a sexual voyeur is easier than dating and planning a wedding. (The invasion of Normandy required less planning than our wedding!) And it’s whole lot easier than maintaining a marriage through communication and commitment. But, again, the real world is so much more exciting and satisfying than the “reel” world.

Major universities have actually studied couples’ sexual satisfaction. (What a job! Studying sex at taxpayers expense!)

Dr. Nancy Moore Clatworthy, a sociologist from Ohio State, Dr. E. Mansell Pattison, chairman of the Department of Psychology at the Medical College of Georgia, and sociologists Jeffery Jacques and Karen Chason of Florida A & M all agree that sex and commitment can’t be separated. Dr. Paul Pearsall argues, “Super sex requires super love, a love that is possible only in a relationship that lasts. . . .”

After 40 years of marriage, I can assure you that maintaining a marriage is much harder work than taking a family vacation. But the rewards are worth the effort.

Okay, okay, neither Lois or I have ever been mistaken for Jamie or Dakota! (That’s them, not us in the pic above.) And no one is going to pay money to see either one of us naked! But young Hollywood actors are rank amateurs compared to this couple after forty years of practice.

So, here’s my point. It’s hard work to take a family vacation. And it’s hard work to create a lasting marriage. But, I repeat, the real world is so much more exciting and satisfying than the “reel” world.

So, husband and wives, let me suggest that instead of going out to see an R-rated movie tonight, lock the bedroom door, put a Kenny G CD on the stereo, and take a memorable trip to Mount Rushmore! (But, please, don’t take pictures!)

Copyright © 1999, 2014 James N. Watkins

Coming attractions
Forty Years of ‘Loving God and You’ debuts Sunday at noon right here. Yep, we’ve created a video of marriage highlights with original music from the ceremony. It will be shown before the Sunday service at Valton Wesleyan Church where we were married 40 years ago.

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5 Responses

  • Kathy Cassel says:

    Love your comment about 40 years of practice. I’ve met young couples who think they invented sex ,and I’ve told them that while they may have more energy, 26 years of being with the same partner has its own rewards.

  • Mary says:

    AMEN, brother.

    I read all three books, out of curiosity and my firm belief that one should not hate upon books that one has not read. I had previously read the first page, after a friend vented about how this “awful” book was selling while her writing hardly gets noticed. It wasn’t until it rocketed to the top of the charts and became a sensational sensation that I caved and read the books.

    I kept hoping there would be something… anything, among the terrible grammar and characterization, the plot cliches, the random bunny trails… anything redemptive in the work.

    The only part of the book that made me feel ANYTHING for the insipid characters was the man’s eventual acceptance of his own brokeness. I wanted to cheer- He finally GOT IT. He recognized that he’d been abused as a teen, and that the “lifestyle” he was pursuing was not healthy, nor what he truly wanted.

    I suppose that, to a starving person, even a week-old Big Mac from the dumpster looks like the food of the gods. Our world is starving, Jim. I’m so thankful for you and other dispensers of hope and humor, healthy foods that so many so desperately need!

  • Very well said, Jim. I too know the greater excitement of a long, carefully built relationship and know it’s better than “reel” life. Thanks for pointing me to this post. May I re-post it on my site?

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