If you're in any kind of relationships with carbon-based life forms of the opposite gender, you've already figured out there's a big difference between you and them.
And it goes way beyond those health class movies from junior high! John Gray may believe that Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, but they're from two separate galaxies "far, far away."
This research paper attempts to help those with "XX" and "XY" chromosomes understand the delightful (and disturbing) differences between the genders.
Here at The Watkins Polytechnic Institute for the Research of Love, Sex, and Male-pattern Blindness, we've made some startling observations concerning Hormonal Output Toxicity Syndrome (HOTS for short).
For instance, the male hormone testosterone contributes to the competitive, aggressive nature of the male and may explain some of the following contradictory behaviors:
Men subjects exhibit "Male-pattern Blindness" in which the victim can spot a '69 Corvette at a mile and a half, but can't see the ketchup in the refrigerator.
Some researchers speculate that, because early man was a hunter, males have adapted incredible ability to see prey at great distances. For instance, Native American civilization could continue only if Chief Running Water and his braves could spot dinner at a mile and a half. It was not, however, essential for survival to find his clean buckskins. Thus, the law of survival of the fittest, has produced males with highly discriminating vision —able to see buffalo, sports cars, and hardware stores at incredible distances, but oblivious to water rings on coffee tables, an inch of dust on their desks, or bills that were over-due last week.
Another annoyance is that males tend to possess long-range sight, but extremely short-range patience. Thus, if the subject has not found
something within a few micro-seconds, he resorts to whining, "Where
are my bow and arrows?" This brings us to a companion corollary . . .
Males suffering from HOTS, while admitting they can't find their clean socks in their own home, refuse to stop for directions while searching for Ralph's Reptile Reserve ten states away!
Male researchers are stumped. (Perhaps, because they refuse to ask why this is happening.)
Others claim that men have tiny deposits of iron at the base of the nose which act as a compass, so that males instinctively know when they are facing north. Of course, this does no good if they don't know if Ralph's is to the west or east.
Studies also reveal that male victims can display sophisticated sensory motor skills such as picking up a 7-10 split at the bowling alley, but seem incapable of picking up their dirty socks at home.
The competitive nature produced by testosterone causes men to love challenges (and to be obnoxious board game players). But quite frankly, picking up dirty clothes doesn't qualify as a challenge worthy of their finely honed athletic skills.
Finally figuring this out, a friend of my wife's installed a toy basketball rim over the clothes hamper. Her two "children" (ages three
and twenty-five), now enjoy slam-dunking their skivvies and going for three-point shots with their socks.
The secret, then, is to make every task a challenge. "Honey, we need milk. But . . . I don't know . . . the car's making a funny noise, there's a
lot of traffic out there, and you know how obnoxious that clerk at Quickie-Mart can be. Maybe you better not."
He's changed the spark plugs faster than an Indy pit crew and is speeding through rush-hour traffic to do battle with "Vermin" the clerk!
To be fair to any men who may have received this column as a forward from their significant other, there is also a female version of HOTS.
Feminine subjects exhibit an inexplicable fascination with totally useless objects such as decorative soap, "Guest" towels, and plastic grapes which are clearly not intended for actual use. (When visiting a friend's bathroon, I usually resort to wiping my hands dry on the fuzzy toilet seat cover.)
High levels of estrogen also appear to cause females to actually believe that . . .
a) turning the thermostat to 95 degrees will cause the room temperature to reach 70 degrees sooner,
b) they will actually win the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes, and . . .
c) and men on soap operas, with personalities of a hair stylist and pecs of a long shoreman, actually exist outside the female script-writer's word processor. Even worse, HOTS women expect their men to become these sensitive souls with abs of steel.
Finally, at least according to my study, estrogen appears to fracture the females personality into twenty-eight separate identities. These manifestations roughly correlate with the phases of the moon—or at least with the circle of pills in the birth control case.
For instance I may go to bed with Sister Mary Lois and be awakened at 3 a.m. by Lusty Lois. (There are some real advantages, however, with living with one spouse with twenty-eight personalities. I can enjoy sex with multiple partners without receiving massive doses of penicillin or even breaking the seventh commandment!)
Most important, researchers discovered that those couples who learn
to adjust to these hormonal habits and accept them as harmless afflictions,
do seem to exhibit a higher degree of marital satisfaction. (Institute
experts, however, warn that findings on HOTS are inconclusive at
this time and that much more research and federal funding are needed.)
But this is clear. The more we understand each others' unique (or just plain weird) characteristics, the easier it will be to live and love "'til death do we part"—without killing each other.
Copyright © 1988 James N. Watkins
Related enlightenment
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• Why are guys such boobs about breasts
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