Top ten things I (Jim) would do if I were God

April 6th, 2015 | Posted by jameswatkins in Uncategorized


The perverse brutality of Islamic terrorist groups such as ISIS, al-Shabaab and Boko Haram prompts the question: What kind of perverse theology would inspire its followers to kill, torture, rape, kidnap and maim innocent people in the name of its “god”?!

If I were God, I’d do things differently! So, I have in my right hand, direct from my home office—soon to be atop Mt. Sinai—today’s category: Top ten things I (Jim) would do if I were God

10. Know who really shot JFK, if there really are aliens in Roswell, and the identity of those “secret herbs and spices” at KFC. And, as all knowing, I would win the lottery every single week!

9. During creation, spend a little more time on northern Indiana. (God spent his day of rest in Corn Borer, as there is nothing creative here!)

8. The next person who asks me to eternally destroy something, I’ll take them up on their request. Suddenly a blinding light, a deafening roar, and there’s a ten-foot-wide crater where that [bleep bleep] hard-to-start lawnmower used to be. People would be a lot more careful what they said if I were God.

7. Only one mosquito on the ark.

6. Dust off the ten plagues of Egypt and send them upon Third World dictators.

5. Require that all religious TV and radio programs carry the following disclaimer:

      Views expressed on this program are those of the speaker and do not necessarily reflect the views of God, his Son, or his Church.

And I’d make it clear that TV evangelists are not my official spokespeople.

4. All kinds of poetically-just punishments for rapists, child abusers and sex traffickers, none of which can be posted on a PG-rated website.

3. All paintings of white Anglo-Saxon Jesus would disappear in the twinkling of an eye. God’s Son was born a Jew in the Middle East!

2. An eleventh commandment: Thou shall not “spam” thy neighbor.

1. Send every terrorist straight to hell—without 72 virgins!

Okay, okay, it’s a good thing that I’m not God. (If I can’t even balance my checkbook, I have no business running the universe.) And, nothing personal, I’m glad you’re not God either.

So, if anyone claims to be God, his anointed messenger or acting on his behalf, it would be good to check out him or her by God’s standards:

Love your neighbor

Love your enemies

Let’s see. Nope! Nope! Islamic terrorists model the total antithesis of the God of the Bible!

However, we would all do well to model the God of love.

Copyright © 2002, 2015 James N. Watkins

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