James Watkins Author Speaker Threat to society

Top ten things I (Jim) would do if I were God

October 2002

Last week, the serial sniper(s) in the Maryland/Washington D.C. area left the death card from a Tarot deck with this chilling message:

"Dear policeman, I am God."

This brings up two important questions:

First, what kind of psycho-pathetic person would shoot innocent people in the name of God, and two, wouldn't it be kind of cool to be God.

So, in my right hand, direct from my home office—soon to be atop Mt. Sinai—today's top ten list:

Top ten things I (Jim) would do if I were God

10. Know who really shot JFK, if there really are aliens in Roswell, the identity of those "secret herbs and spices" at KFC, and who really won the 2000 Presidential race in Florida. As all knowing, I could be the world's greatest investigative humor columnist!

9. During creation, spend a little more time on northern Indiana.

8. The next person who asks me to eternally destroy something, I'll take them up on their request. Suddenly a blinding light, a deafening roar, and there's a ten-foot-wide crater where that (bleep bleep) hard-to-start lawnmower used to be. People would be a lot more careful what they said if I were God.

7. Only one mosquito on the ark.

6. Dust off the ten plagues of Egypt and send them upon Third World dictators.

5. Require that all religious TV and radio programs carry the following disclaimer: Views expressed by speaker are those of the speaker and do not necessarily reflect the views of God, His Son, or His church. (And I'd make it clear that Jerry Falwell and Jessie Jackson are NOT my official spokesmen.)

4. All kinds of poetically just punishments for rapists and child abusers, none of which can be printed in a family newspaper.

3. All paintings of white Anglo-Saxon Jesus would disappear in the twinkling of an eye. God's Son was born a Jew in the Middle East!

2. An eleventh commandment: Thou shall not "spam" thy neighbor.

1. Zap the serial killer(s) with a few kabillion volts of lightning!

Okay, okay, it's a good thing that I'm not God. (If I can't even balance my checkbook, I have no business running the universe.) And, nothing personal, I'm glad you're not God either.

Any time anyone claims to be God—from a serial killer to cult leader—it would be good to check him or her out by God's standards:

[ ] Love your neighbor

[ ] Love your enemies

Let's see. Nope! Nope! The latest serial killer doesn't even come close!

However, we all would do well to try to be a bit more like God.

And we can all start by not forwarding on all the latest email jokes and hoaxes.

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Top ten things I (Jim) would do if I were God

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