A reliable cleaning lady at an unidentified theater has provided us access to top secret lyrics for "The Sound of Monica." (A spokesperson for Rodgers and Hammerstein would neither confirm or deny their involvement in this revision of their popular musical, saying only "They're both dead.")

According to the source, the show opens with Diane Sawyer dancing a top the Hill as she sings . . .

The Hill is alive with the word impeachment,
A song it has sung only twice before,
The Hill is alive with the word impeachment,
But most of the country is already bored
Of Lewinsky and Tripp and their late night chats
and grand juries' sleazy details.
The polls show sixty percent couldn't care
If the law and real justice prevails.

Ken Starr then allegedly sings his version of "My Favorite Things."

Wire taps, subpoenas and stained dark blue dresses,
Grand juries, inquiries, stolen caresses,
News leaks that spread like the black plague with wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Our source has also produced lead sheets for "Climb Ev'ry Mountain . . . of Evidence" sung by a chorus of White House lawyers.

Mount ev'ry defense, cop ev'ry plea,
Answer ev'ry question with vague legalese.
A case that will try our ideals of justice,
A case to be won for the likes of just us.

According to our source, no one was found to sing the original song "I Must Have Done Something Good."

Also, the decision of who will sing "So Long, Farewell" in the final scene has not been made. Will it be the President? The First Lady? The lawyers? The media? The entire Congress?

Critics, who have also been leaked copies of the script, have panned the production because of its unfinished--and sure to be unsatisfying--ending. Unlike the original score, there are no clear winners (the good nuns) and losers (the bad Nazis). But perhaps, that is closer to real life than the theater. No one "wins" wars. One side simply loses less. And as the battle on the Hill escalates, there will be no winners either. The president, the Congress, the media and the voters are all losers as this long-running production continues in Washington.

So, let's all sing, "I simply remember my favorites things, and then I don't feel so bad." Or better, yet, pray for our President, the Congress, those disillusioned by the scandal, and especially for "that woman, Ms. Lewinky."

Copyright © 1999 James N. Watkins For more silliness on serious issues, click here.

NOTES

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