The people I cheer for on reality TV never win. It all began when Richard, the self-described "fat, naked, gay guy" on the first "Survivor," won the million. Then last week, Dat Phan was crowned as, and I quote, "The Funniest Person In America" on "Last Comic Standing." He was good, but I have funnier relatives (some are even allowed to go out in public unattended).
At least it got me thinking that perhaps national elections should be staged as reality TV shows: "The Amazing Political Race," "Who Wants to Marry a Politician," "Conservative Eye for the Liberal Guy," "Political Boxing," or "Survivor: The Electoral College."
[Overproduced theme music]
"Live from the nation's capital, 'The Amazing Dog Eat Dog Last Candidate Standing.' 52 weeks! 52 candidates!. But tonight, just ONE President elect!"
Yep, let's put all the candidates for President in that "Big Brother" house in Hollywood--and then lock and bolt the doors until December 2004. Just kidding about bolting the door, but there would be some real advantages to elections as reality TV.
1. We'd only have to listen to their political pontifications one night a week! (The prospect of hearing the monotone whining of Joe Lieberman for over a year is enough to make me move to a remote island and survive on Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches.)
2. Candidates would have to successfully perform tasks to stay in the running: balancing a check book, finding a job for a homeless tech stock trader, and negotiating a win-win settlement in a messy divorce case. If they can't perform these tasks, what business do they have with the Federal budget, the job market, and keeping North Korea from nuking its neighbors.
Candidates, of course, would have to answer the requisite trivia questions:
What is the capital of Liberia?
Saddam Hussein loyalists belong to what political party: a) Bath, b) Shower, c) Dry Clean Only.
True/False: Latin Americans speak Latin
The best way to stimulate the economy is a) tax cuts, b) less government restrictions, c) amphetamines
Your stand on homosexual marriage is a) I'm for it, b) I'm against it, c) I can go either way (wink)
Next come the immunity challenges, After living off the government payroll and enjoying political perks, maybe a dose of "The Real World" would be the best thing for Presidential candidates. Let's see them live on off-brand macaroni and cheese with generic hot dogs. Which of them can survive the longest while eating stale pretzels sitting in coach section of a plane. How 'bout giving them each a $1,000 Social Security check and make them find decent housing, medical insurance, and an affordable long distance plan. The possibilities are endless!
3. The weekly tribal council would whittle the number down to one Republican, one Democrat, and one independent "wildcard." Those who can out wit, out play, and out last would go on to the two-hour finale on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November 2004.
4. Voters at home log-in on their computers and cast their ballots without those annoying "hanging chads" and Supreme Court rulings.
Then again, the people I want to win reality shows never do win which just goes to prove:
1. TV reality shows are not really "reality."
2. Contestants are conniving attention-deprived ego-maniacs who will do anything for the fame and fortune.
3. Some computer geek somewhere has figured out a way to vote three million times.
Okay, maybe "The Last Candidate Standing" isn't the best suggestion for election reform, but it would be much
more entertaining!
(c) 2003 James N. Watkins
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