The Southeast Asian city-state of four million people also has ten people patrolling six of its public libraries enforcing "library etiquette." Lee Siew Hoon, a National Library Board spokeswoman, explains that, "The volunteers go around the library during the noisiest times and speak to people who are talking on their cell phones, kids who are shouting or those who are chatting away."

Past campaigns in Singapore have encouraged residents to smile, to wave to fellow road users, to turn mobile phones off during movies, and how to act on a date.

What a great idea! "Mr. Manners" respectfully submits his suggestions for these campaigns . . .

Driving etiquette

Mr. Manners politely implores his readers to save their "Sunday drives" for Sunday, not during work-week rush hour. He suggests a $20 fine for every mile-per-mile one travels under the posted speed limit.

He also wishes to inform his dear readers that the "passing lane," as the name implies, is for passing only. And drivers are respectfully asked to hang up their [insert your own impolite adjective here] cell phones and drive!

Internet etiquette

Mr. Manners asks, do his readers know why there are so many "pop up" ads for airline tickets, insurance, mortgages, naked women, and school reunions? Because some of his readers — and you know who you are—actually respond to these annoying ads! Advertisers are not going to invest in a media that produces no income. So, please, do the rest of Mr. Manner's readers a favor and don't buy anything from [insert your own socially unacceptable adjective here] pop up advertisers.

Mr. manners also finds that some dear readers are not aware of two useful keys on their keyboards. they're located at the bottom right and left of the keyboard. these keys allow the writer to use upper and lower case letters. all lower case emails are hard to read. (Also, using all UPPER CASE letters is considered shouting.)

Mr. Manners also requests if the reader is tempted to send him a "cute" forward, he or she should ask, "Would I actually spend U.S. postage to send this drivel to even my dearest friend?" If the answer is "No, of course not! That would be a total waste of money," THEN DON'T SEND IT! (And yes, Mr. Manners is shouting!)

Medical etiquette

Mr. Manners reminds medical personnel that it is socially considerate to RSVP patients with their test results within 24 hours. It is simply cruel to make patients wait weeks to see if that's all the time they have. (Mr. Manners was quite distressed he had to wait nearly two months for his test results for prostate cancer.)

Neighborhood etiquette

Right now Mr. Manner's attic fan is on pulling in the comfortable 75-degree air with the slight aroma of honeysuckle, lilacs . . . and burning garbage. Readers should build their own landfill in their backyards, FedEx trash to their ex-spouses, or create some of those taxpayer-supported works of art, but don't burn trash!

Mr. Manners also believes it is socially inappropriate to mow grass before Memorial Day. It not only shows a lack of having anything better to do with one's time, but creates a poor reflection on other lawns in the neighborhood.

Shopping etiquette

Mr. Manners warns that holding reunions with long-lost friends in the middle of the aisle is rude and inconsiderate. Pull your carts to the far right. This also applies to those in the middle of the aisle wearing dazed expressions as they try to decide between super size, regular size; scented, unscented; wings, no wings.

Finally, leave small, screaming children in the car. (Mr. Manners is just kidding, of course, because serious injury or death could occur with a three-year-old driving a car. Take your keys.)

Verbal etiquette

Mr. Manners stongly suggests that if you want to talk trash, you do it at a landfill. Using socially inappropriate language is like spitting and smoking. Feel free to spit and smoke all you want, but not on or around me. Mr. Manners also strongly suggests that if your vocabulary consists primarily of four-letter words, you are an uncreative, linguistically-challenged bleeping bleep!

Finally, Mr. Manners gently suggests that if columnists can't say anything nice, it is always polite to say nothing at all. Okay, maybe this etiquette campaign can be taken too far, so STOP BURNING YOUR TRASH AND GET OUT OF MR. MANNER'S WAY!

(c) 2003 James N. Watkins (with some minor modifications in 2008)



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