I have in my right hand, direct from my home office in hot and humid Corn Borer, Indiana, today’s category:

10. Take a tape measure. Drop it on the floor. If you can’t pick it up without bending your knees, put on a shirt.

9. If you have a tattoo containing any of the Federal Communication Commission’s seven dirty words, put on a shirt.

8. If you don’t want to appear as a suspect on TV’s “COPS,” put on a shirt.

7. If you have more chest hair than your neighbor’s poodle, put on a shirt.

6. If you’re over 40, put on a shirt.

5. If you’ve had open-heart surgery, put on a shirt.

4. If your mother, wife or daughter (and especially all three together) can’t reach around you for a hug, put on a shirt.

3. If you don’t want to die of melanoma, put on a shirt.

2. If your measurements exceed 36A, put on a shirt.

1. If your family or neighbors forward this post to you, put on a shirt.

You know who you are!

(Click for more summer humor columns. And, seriously, put on a shirt!)

Copyright © 2000 James N. Watkins

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Here’s a roundup of this week’s “Hope and Humor” featuring Father’s Day posts on Facebook, Twitter and right here. Enjoy encouragement and entertainment with cartoons, snarky comments and posts on Donald Duck’s birthday, God’s “prank” calls, Japan’s new crap app, and of course, lot of posts honoring dad on his special day . . .


Friday

grandpaandgirls7

My real job
Clue: It’s not writing and speaking!

jimshortsparents

You may be a parent if you ever said . . .
“That candy is going to spoil your appetite. Eat your green beans. Children in Africa are starving!”

Becoming a G-Daddy
Of course we were thrilled when we learned we were going to be grandparents, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to be called “grandpa.”


jimshortsfriday13


Thursday

jimshortsfathersday

Son of a saint!
These godly, biblical parents had a very ungodly, unbiblical son!


We report, you shake your “head”
(Bloomberg.com) “Trustwave, a Chicago company that helps corporate clients fight cybercrime, hijacked a Bluetooth connection that controls toilets made by Japan’s Lixil Group. That could allow hackers to open or close the lid and even squirt a stream of water at the user’s behind, Trustwave said.”

I could see this as a popular app for women who are constantly nagging, “Put the lid down,” but do we really need an app to crap?! Seriously!


We report, you shake your CPU
(CNBC) “‘In less than two decades, you won’t just use your computers, you will have relationships with them. Because of artificial intelligence, computers will be able to read at human levels by 2029 and will also begin to have different human characteristics,’ said Ray Kurzweil, a director of engineering at Google.

“‘My timeline is computers will be at human levels, such as you can have a human relationship with them, 15 years from now,’ he said. Kurzweil’s comments came at the Exponential Finance conference in New York on Wednesday.”

Do we really want relationships with “human” computers?! I can see the headline:

Jealous computer kills local author
(CORN BORER, Ind.) The first case of cybercide has been reported, leaving a local author and speaker dead of apparent electrocution.

James Watkins’ PC computer, running Windows 666, allegedly became jealous when the human was detected by GPS tracking at Best Buy in Kokomo looking at Mac laptops. When Watkins returned home, the enraged PC allegedly sent 120 volts of electricity through the keyboard, killing the man instantly.

An electronic spokesperson at the Cracker County Sheriff’s Department said the office is running a diagnostic program of the incident.


Wednesday

jimshortsdads2

Becoming like little children
I may be 62, but I’m still just a big kid!


Mowing with Dad
Guest post by Nowell Hardin


Tuesday

jimshortsdads

Top ten things my dad taught me
Thanks, Dad, for the top ten . . . and ten thousand . . . things you taught me!


Monday

Does God make prank calls
Some of God’s “calls” do seem laughable.


Disney star celebrates birthday without pants
Happy birthday to Donald Duck who turned 80 today. But does it bother anyone else that the cartoon character wears a hat and jacket—but no pants?! Right, wrong, or Depends?

Clarification: I don’t mind cartoon animals that are au naturel. That’s, well, natural. But if you’re going to wear just one article of clothing, make it pants!


Research claims rats feel regret
Professor David Redish, of Minnesota University, in his study published in Nature Neuroscience, claims “Rats are capable of feeling regret about their own actions, an emotion that has never previously been found in any other mammals apart from humans.”

Perhaps Redish’s next study could be politicians, business leaders and telemarketers.


Sunday

Keren3rdBday

Happy third b’day, to our youngest grand!
She’s as sweet as frosting! And is fat-free!


jimshortsbigbuts2

Happy Pentecost Sunday which celebrates the outpouring of the Holy Spirit!
I like big buts! See more Big buts of the Bible.


“California Chrome” failed to win horse racing’s “Triple Crown.” He has been exchanged for five “My Little Ponies” from Qatar.


Saturday

jimshortsbigbuts1

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When we got together, my cousins and I loved to make prank phone calls. Our favorite? Calling someone at random and—while trying to make our per-pubescent voices sound deep and adult—say, “This is the electric company. Is your refrigerator running?” And, if they actually bought our act and said yes, we would squeal, “Well, run and catch it!”

I believe God also makes “prank” calls. Well, at least calls that seem laughable. To serve as His spokesperson, God calls Moses, who claims he’s no public speaker. To deliver the Israelites from attack by a powerful army, God calls Gideon, the least person from the least tribe—to fight with clay pots, torches and trumpets! And to lead the nation of Israel, God calls David, a shepherd boy. The examples continue through the Old and New Testaments.

And God still makes “prank” calls. He makes a call to someone who scores off the chart on the Myers-Briggs inventory for “Introvert.” This person also suffers with clinical depression and, without prayer and Prozac, would spend his days hiding under the covers. And to make things more interesting, he has symptoms of Asperger’s Syndrome which make him uncomfortable with new people and unfamiliar surroundings. And he really hates snakes!

So God, in His deep voice, says, “Jim, I’m calling you to be a freelance writer and speaker with no predictable income, sitting in airports hoping your flight isn’t cancelled and your luggage arrives when you do, and spending long days speaking and interacting at conferences. Oh, and I want your tag line to be ‘Hope and Humor.'”

“Uh, you must have the wrong number.”

But He just reminds me His grace is sufficient when I find myself teaching three weeks in India with a terrible case of depression and homesickness, talking to district leaders and college students about “Human Sexuality” under a circus tent in Mozambique, and ministering to children and youth in Australia, which boasts the highest number of venomous snakes of any country on earth!

So, for nearly forty years, I’ve sensed God calling me outside of my comfort zone—and way outside of my area code. And sometimes, if I’m really quiet, I think I hear Him squealing with delight.

God is such a prankster!

Copyright © 2012 James N. Watkins

Related posts
Freelancing offers freedom “real job” can’t
Gideon: inadequate, ill-equipped, in the dark
God’s will is not lost: for those trying to it

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If you’re going to insult someone, at least be Christ-like about it! So, I have in my right hand, direct from my home office in Corn Borer, Indiana, The Top Ten Christian Insults:

10. Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel (Matthew 23:24).

9. O faithless and perverse generation . . . how long shall I suffer you? (Matthew 17:17)

8. Do ye not therefore err, because ye know not the scriptures, neither the power of God? (Mark 12:24)

7. Woe unto you . . . hypocrites! (Luke 11:44)

6. Ye are like unto whited sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones and of all uncleanness (Matthew 23:27).

5. Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers! (Matthew 23:33)

4. Thou fool! (Luke 12:20)

3. I will spue thee out of my mouth (Revelation 3:16).

2. Get thee behind me, Satan! (Matthew 16:23).

1. O ye of little faith (Matthew 6:30, Matthew 8:26, Matthew 14:31, Matthew 16:8, Matthew 17:20).

Of course, I wouldn’t recommend any of these unless you’re the perfect Son of God! Jesus could see the hearts of men and women, so when he called someone a “whited sepulcher,” you could be sure they were full of “dead men’s bones and all uncleaness.”

So it’s best to leave any judgment to Jesus: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you (Matthew 7:1-2 NIV).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I really need to brush my teeth. I have a bad case of camel breath.

Copyright © 2014 James N. Watkins

Related posts
Really dirty words
Don’t judge, but do deliberate
Top ten list archives

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I love the story of Gideon: not the guy who keeps leaving his Bible in hotel rooms, but the Jewish judge who describes himself as “the least in my entire family.” God has called Gideon to liberate the Israelis from the cruel oppression of the Midianites. But to defeat the enemy of over 100,000 troops, God provides him with just 300 men. (Nope, I didn’t leave out any zeroes. That’s 100,000 v. 300!) And they’re probably the guys who get picked last in pick up games.

Totally inadequate?

God seems to delight when we feel totally inadequate. He tells Gideon, “You have too many warriors with you. If I let all of you fight the Midianites, the Israelites will boast to me that they saved themselves by their own strength” (Judges 6:2).

So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by the number of challenges coming against you—physically, financially, spiritually, relationally, etc.—know that God is with you, and that makes you a majority!

Utterly unequipped?

Not only does Gideon’s 300 men face over 100,000 troops, but God orders them to fight with some very, shall we say, unconventional weapons: clay pots, torches and rams’ horns! Not only are they hopelessly outnumbered, but they’re facing swords and spears with these non-weapons.

Are you feeling completely ill-equipped to handle the challenges you’re facing? I don’t have the finances. I don’t have the education. I don’t have the emotional strength. Gideon commands his troops, “Get up! For the Lord has given you victory over the Midianite hordes!” (Judges 7:15).

Completely in the dark?

To make sure this military maneuver is humanly impossible, Gideon is told to launch his offensive in the middle of the night. No one, at that time, fought wars at night!

So, here’s the point: God seems to delight in using us at our worst, weakest and darkest moments. That way He gets the glory!

With trust and obedience, Gideon’s men surround the enemy camp with their torches hidden inside the clay pots in one hand and their rams’ horns in the other. At the signal, pots smash, the hills alight with flames and the horns sound. (Some believe that since troops usually had one trumpeter per one thousand men, the 100,000 believed they were surrounded by 300,000 troops.) The panicked Midianites begin swinging their swords in the dark and effectively killing each other.

So, no matter the odds, no matter the resources, no matter the lack, God can give you victory for the challenges you’re facing. At least that’s what I’m holding onto as Lois and I face some menacing Midianites. And I pray for victory for you as well!

Copyright © 2011 James N. Watkins

Related post
Are you listening to Goliath or God?
• And from the H&H cartoons file:

Painting by Nicolas Poussin

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Top ten posts at H&H:

June 1st, 2014 | Posted by jameswatkins in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

I have in my right hand, direct from my home office in Corn Borer, Indiana, today’s category: Top ten posts from May 2014

10. God and the Gay Christian conversation

9. Hope and humor cartoons

8. God is never late, but he sure is slow

7. Help for suicidal thoughts

6. Does DNA disprove evolution?

5. The cure for the common cold: sex!

4. Faith of Our Mothers

3. Children who marry their parents: the psychology of courtship

2. Were U.S. founding fathers Christian?

And, the number one post for May 2014:

1. “It Is Well with My Soul” The rest of the stories

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I’m sure even Mr. Rogers has one of those days:

      It’s a terrible day in the neighborhood,
      A terrible day for neighbor,
      Won’t you please go, leave me all alone.
      I’ve always wanted to move away to warmer weather,
      I hate this TV house and this stupid sweater.
      So why don’t you go and watch “Power Rangers”
      Play in the street and talk to some strangers?
      Please won’t you go, leave me alone.
      Get off my lawn, my neighbor!

Copyright © 1991 James N. Watkins

If you’re having a terrible day in the neighborhood, please visit my archives for encouragement and entertainment.

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For most Americans, “Memorial Day” means a three-day weekend with the “Indy 500,” picnics and the opening day of summer. But for many, the memories of lost loved ones dampen spirits like rain on a parade. So, something for everyone on this holiday weekend:

jimshortsmemorialday

I hate it when stores whore holidays!

Hope in dealing with death and grief
Grief and love are two very similar emotions—if you’re capable of love, you are capable of grief. Only a person who never loves never grieves.

Humor on the first day of summer
It’s a beautiful day in Corn Borer, Indiana, so a great day to just laze in the hammock and recycle some old columns on:
Vacations are not a vacation if . . .
Traveling the world on one tank of gas
Top ten clues a man should wear a shirt in summer
And, of course . . .
Laziness is a virtue.

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During the American Civil War, the Confederate Navy filled Mobile Bay on the Gulf of Mexico with mines, which at the time were called “torpedoes.” As flag officer David Glasgow Farragut led the Union’s fleet of 18 ships into the bay, he issued one of history’s most memorable orders:

“Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!”

The tactic succeeded. Only one ship was lost, and the last Confederate stronghold on the Gulf of Mexico fell to Union control. (And Farragut was made admiral of the U.S. Navy and honored with two postage stamps.) It’s also a good strategy for our emotions:

Damn the emotions! Full speed ahead!

Don’t deny emotions

I’m certainly not denying that my life is a mine-filled sea of emotions. I regularly struggle with clinical depression, so there are days I just want to go below deck and hide in the hull. But I’m not alone. I have plenty of company with the psalmists of the Bible. One-third of all psalms are known as “laments.”

      My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
      Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
      Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.
      Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief (Psalm 22:1-2 NLT).

      O God, why have you rejected us so long?
      Why is your anger so intense against the sheep of your own pasture? (Psalm 74:1).

      When I was in deep trouble,
      I searched for the Lord.
      All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
      but my soul was not comforted (Psalm 77:2).

Don’t deify emotions

The psalmists certainly didn’t deny their emotions, but neither did that make their emotions their god. Inevitably, the psalms above are followed by a psalm of praise:

      The Lord is my shepherd;
      I have all that I need.
      He lets me rest in green meadows;
      he leads me beside peaceful streams (Psalm 23:1-2)

      We thank you, O God!
      We give thanks because you are near.
      People everywhere tell of your wonderful deeds (Psalm 75:1).

      We will not hide these truths from our children;
      we will tell the next generation
      about the glorious deeds of the Lord,
      about his power and his mighty wonders (Psalm 78:4).

Saint Paul sums up these “bi-polar” extremes of emotions:

      We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:8-9).

Do defy emotions

Emotions are fickle feelings that may be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, a subconscious reaction to an event in the past or present, or something we ate the night before. Emotions are real, but they are not reality. (That’s good! You may want to write that down and post in on the bathroom mirror!)

So, I find myself paraphrasing Admiral Farragut’s order: “Damn the emotions! Full speed ahead!”

And most days, I’m successful—with prayer, persistence and Prozac—in navigating the emotional mines floating in my life. I can’t deny them, but I also refuse to deify them. They are not my God, but bio-chemicals, sub-conscious reactions or, perhaps, the pizza I ate before bed.

Full speed ahead!

Copyright © 2011 James N. Watkins

Notes

1. Do not deny depression. If you have symptoms lasting more than two weeks, see your family doctor. I’ve certainly been helped by anti-depressants, but it took trying five or six different meds before I found one with maximum benefits and minimum side effects.

2. I’m not talking about physical ailments that do prevent us from doing those things we wish to do or must do. Right now (July 2011), I must have picked up a nasty bug on my Denver flight. I’m getting some work done propped up in the recliner with my laptop, but after about two hours, I’m completely depleted and it’s back to bed.

So, if you’re physically incapacitated, I can so relate to that. And if emotions are causing incapacitation, I trust you find the help needed and with Admiral Farragut, defiantly shout, “Damn the emotions! Full speed ahead!” Either way, you’re in my prayers!

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Pain and praise

May 19th, 2014 | Posted by jameswatkins in Uncategorized - (2 Comments)

Sunday, May 18, 11 pm EDT

“Thank you, Father, I’m home!” This despite . . .

1. Waking up this morning feeling as badly as I felt since 42 radiation treatments for cancer in 2008: The week’s body aches, sore throat, cough, were complemented today with nausea.

2. Getting lost on way to Denver airport (despite two people with smart phones and me with printed directions). Ended up driving through the road wiped out in the spring floods—with long construction delays.

2. Denver flight getting in late to Chicago’s “O’Hell” airport.

3. Huffing and puffing my way between Concourse C and F and arriving to hear “last call” for the Fort Wayne flight. However, once boarded, we waited at the gate, because United Express couldn’t find anyone to load luggage. (As badly as I felt, I would have gladly volunteered to help.)

4. At Denver, the gate agent had pleaded for people to check carry-ons free at the gate. “Free” is not always a good thing. When I got to FWA, there was no carry-on! They’re always good at bringing them to your home, but . . .

5. I lost my car keys. I’m guessing they’re in the outside pocket of my lost carry-on where I stash all my metal objects before going through security. I always keep them in my computer case that never leaves my side. Not this week! I finally got a hold of Lois to bring me the duplicate set.

6. On the way to the restroom, the daylong stage-1 nausea spiked to a 4, and I lost my breakfast, lunch and dinner in a nearby trash can. (I pity the housekeeper who empties that can!) I dragged myself to the restroom and promptly lost my breakfast, lunch and dinner from yesterday!

7. My thoughtful wife brought me, along with the keys, a handful of Dove dark chocolates—but even they didn’t look good. (I must be seriously ill!)

Proving once again, what I shared in my closing keynote: Nothing terrible happens to authors, just terrific anecdotes! These last five days will show up in an article, book . . . or post!


Monday, May 19, 11 am EDT

I slept in until 9:30 am and am feeling 100 percent better.

Pam Halter commented on how much worse my day would have been without your prayers. She is so right! (I crashed, the plane didn’t. I’m home, not stranded at “O’Hell” airport. I’m saved, only my luggage is lost.)

So, despite the pain, I have so much to give praise. Thanks everyone!

Copyright © 2014 James N. Watkins

Related post
Excerpt from Squeezing Good Out of Bad on pain

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