“Scrabble,” the original “Words with Friends,” just added 6,500 new acceptable words to its list. So, here are some new words and phrases that should be added to The Watkins New World Church Dictionary:
Bibull: Sermon that takes Scripture out of context.
Bored Meeting: (No definition required!)
Byelines: Third verse of hymns skipped over in congregational singing
Bisectual relationship: Result of marriage between Methodist and Baptist, Protestant and Catholic, etc.
Carnal nurture: Replacing sermons with motivational talks
Church growth: Side effect of too many carry-in dinners
Commviction: Psychological technique used to coerce parishioners to serve on church committees
Deafline: Point pastors pass when their message goes over twenty minutes
Damentalist: Believer who has lost the “fun” in his/her faith
Geek Orthodox: A member of an online church
Heaven’s Gate: Senior Bible class
Helloship: Shallow conversation in church foyers often mislabeled as “fellowship”
Justavacation: Excuses for skipping church
Lite sin: Antonym of “deep sin” having one-third less disapproval than other leading sins
McMessage: Entertaining sermon with little nutritional value
Meology: Self-centered doctrine
Messchatology: Deriving theology from “last days” novels
Ministry: Suffix, which applied to any activity immediately spiritualizes it (ie. sports ministry, beach ministry, Internet ministry, etc.)
Non-prophet organization: Politically-correct church that doesn’t want to offend anyone
Pastornoia: Overwhelming fear that the minister will: a) visit your home while you’re watching Cougar Town, b) see you on your way to the lake on Sunday morning, or c) ask you to serve on a committee
Pew mold: a) globs of gum stuck to the bottom of church seats, or b) person who has been sitting in the same seat, reciting the same testimony, and praying the same prayer for six months or more
Prophits: People in ministry for the money
Sinspiration: Motivation to do something right for the wrong reason
Tele-Vision: Special revelation given to a TV evangelist when contributions fall behind budget projections
Writeousness: Self-righteous attitude of authors who see the speck of dust in their brother’s eye, but have a plank in their own and . . . Uh, sorry, I’m out of room.
Copyright © James N. Watkins
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• “The church is a whore”
• Do you really want a “biblical” church?
• “Cyber church” has bats in belfry
• Dealing with church conflict
• Top ten signs your church may be prejudiced
• Finding still water in the storm: The Book of Joe
• A case for women in ministry
• Top ten list: When you’re voted out
• Wounded shepherd: When is it time to leave the flock?
• Considering a post-pastorate career
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