World’s wackiest battle briefing . . . and more

June 29th, 2015 | Posted by jameswatkins in Uncategorized


Biblical archaeologists claim to have uncovered a never-before-seen transcript of Gideon’s battle briefing to his 300 men taking on an enemy army of 100,000 Midianites, Amalekites and Parasites:

My fellow Hebrews, ask not what Israel can do for you, ask what you can do for Israel. I can only offer you blood, sweat, and tears, but history will record that this was Israel’s finest hour. Remember the grain! May the force be with you! Let’s go out and win one for the . . .

Uh, excuse me, it’s the Commander in Chief.

Yes, Sir.

Yes, I know we have a numbers problem.

Yes, I thought . . .

Too many? But . . .

Yes, Sir.

Alright, men! Listen up and listen good. Get the women, children, and lily-livered cowards off the battle field.

No! Wait a minute! Maybe you didn’t understand . . . just those with a yellow streak.

Well men, we’re outnumbered, so we’re going to have to go to Plan B—an elite commando force. Now, all you guys weighing two hundred pounds and six feet tall who played lineman for Hebrew High, I want you to . . .

Excuse me, it’s the Commander in Chief.

Yes, Sir, I thought we could use a small SWAT team.

Great, I’ve got some real Rambo types and . . .

Let me make sure I heard that right. You want me to pick the men by how they what?

Yes, Sir.

Okay, men, we’re moving out to the river.

Now, you guys with the wet heads, pack up your tunics and head for your tents. You . . . you three hundred skinny guys, come with me. I’m sure the Commander in Chief has some smart weapons for our mission—laser-guided spears, atomic-powered battering rams, or intercontinental ballistic catapults, or . . .

Excuse me, it’s the Commander in Chief. Yes, Sir.

With what? When?

Alright men, gather ’round for your battle briefing. This is the AK-47 Clay Pitcher. Take care of your pitcher and your pitcher will take care of you. The AK-47 is armed with a 100 millimeter flame-throwing torch. Make sure your torch is well-trimmed and properly oiled. Finally men, the pneumatic-powered trumpet. Now, let’s move out!

I know it’s 01:00 hours, but the Commander says we’re to attack in the middle of the night.

Look, I’m only taking orders from higher up—and I do mean higher up.

Copyright © 1993 James N. Watkins from Characters.

The final score: Gideon 300, enemy 0! Read the original story in Judges 7.

Listen to a related podcast using the story of Gideon in The Ten Creative Commandments

Painting by Nicolas Poussin

Rendered Christian Flag

This flag flies higher

July 4 At a church where Lois and I served, there was an American flag and a Christian flag on the platform. One Saturday afternoon, I sneaked over to the church with my trusty handsaw and cut one-inch off the bottom of the American flag pole, so the Christian flag would always stand taller. That flag offers real freedom.


Responding to ruling on same-sex marriage

June 29 I was busy directing the St. Davids Writers Conference when the historic Supreme Court ruling came down declaring states have no right to ban same-sex marriages.

Here are two previous posts that address . . .

A “Christian” response to Supreme Court ruling and . . .

My response to the same-sex marriage debate.

Bottom line: “Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone” (Colossians 4:6).

Photo: AP

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