The Watkins New World Church Dictionary

June 1st, 2015 | Posted by jameswatkins in Uncategorized

“Scrabble,” the original “Words with Friends,” just added 6,500 new acceptable words to its list. So, here are some new words and phrases that should be added to The Watkins New World Church Dictionary:

Bibull: Sermon that takes Scripture out of context.

Bored Meeting: (No definition required!)

Byelines: Third verse of hymns skipped over in congregational singing

Bisectual relationship: Result of marriage between Methodist and Baptist, Protestant and Catholic, etc.

Carnal nurture: Replacing sermons with motivational talks

Church growth: Side effect of too many carry-in dinners

Commviction: Psychological technique used to coerce parishioners to serve on church committees

Deafline: Point pastors pass when their message goes over twenty minutes

Damentalist: Believer who has lost the “fun” in his/her faith

Geek Orthodox: A member of an online church

Heaven’s Gate: Senior Bible class

Helloship: Shallow conversation in church foyers often mislabeled as “fellowship”

Justavacation: Excuses for skipping church

Lite sin: Antonym of “deep sin” having one-third less disapproval than other leading sins

McMessage: Entertaining sermon with little nutritional value

Meology: Self-centered doctrine

Messchatology: Deriving theology from “last days” novels

Ministry: Suffix, which applied to any activity immediately spiritualizes it (ie. sports ministry, beach ministry, Internet ministry, etc.)

Non-prophet organization: Politically-correct church that doesn’t want to offend anyone

Pastornoia: Overwhelming fear that the minister will: a) visit your home while you’re watching Cougar Town, b) see you on your way to the lake on Sunday morning, or c) ask you to serve on a committee

Pew mold: a) globs of gum stuck to the bottom of church seats, or b) person who has been sitting in the same seat, reciting the same testimony, and praying the same prayer for six months or more

Prophits: People in ministry for the money

Sinspiration: Motivation to do something right for the wrong reason

Tele-Vision: Special revelation given to a TV evangelist when contributions fall behind budget projections

Two-timers: Parishioners who only attend at Christmas and Easter

Writeousness: Self-righteous attitude of authors who see the speck of dust in their brother’s eye, but have a plank in their own and . . . Uh, sorry, I’m out of room.

Copyright © James N. Watkins

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“The church is a whore”
Do you really want a “biblical” church?
“Cyber church” has bats in belfry
Dealing with church conflict
Top ten signs your church may be prejudiced
Finding still water in the storm: The Book of Joe
A case for women in ministry
Top ten list: When you’re voted out
Wounded shepherd: When is it time to leave the flock?
Considering a post-pastorate career

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