10. I'm sorry. Did you say something or are the voices back?

9. Would you like to hear about an amazing multi-level marketing opportunity?

8. Yo no hablo Inglés.

7. Wanna see pictures of my cats?

6. (Hold index and middle fingers together, bring together with extended thumb which is "no" in sign language.)

5. Typhoid isn't contagious, is it?

4. (No number 4. Hiding in miniature toilet to avoid talkative seat mate.)

3. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. . . .

2. If you were to die tonight, where would be spend eternity?

1. I'm an author. Wanna hear about my books?

Write your own top ten lists! Learn how to entertain your family, friends, co-workers and total strangers with Writing with Banana Peels<





Monday, July 26, 2010

'that's what my heart is telling me'

What a pleasure to introduce today's guest blogger: my daughter, Faith!

"Mommy, we're going to live in that house!" five-year-old Hannah announced. We needed to be out of our rental in just weeks and I was getting desperate as we looked at, what seemed like, the five-hundredth house.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"That's what my heart is telling me," she said pointing at her heart. I was speechless. She said it so boldly and as a matter of fact. Could a 5-year old really know?

When I and my five-year-old and two-year-old daughters moved into the little house behind our church's youth pastor in January, I knew it was only a temporary retreat. I immediately started praying for a more permanent place to live, and I trusted that it would happen in His perfect timing. I also talked to the girls about our need for a house and every day they prayed, "Please help Mommy find a new house that's perfect for us."

One day before a meal, Kaylah was praying and was forgetting to mention the house. Hannah, trying to get her attention whispered loudly, "Kaylah, Kaylah, don't forget to pray for our new house." Even as option after option fell through, their faithfulness to pray continued and their trust in God grew. I honestly questioned God at times, but He kept saying to me, "Trust me. I have even better things for you. I will meet your every need and want."

At the end of May, I knew that our time was running out and I started panicking, but I decided to give it to God and not let it stress me out during our vacation. Monday, the day after we got back from vacation, I checked the Indiana MLS site for probably the five-hundredth time, and there was a brand new listing! I scheduled to look at it on Tuesday, but the girls and I drove by it Monday evening just to see the outside of it. That's when Hannah announced, "Mommy, we're going to live in that house."

Tuesday, we looked at it and I immediately knew this was the house for us. It was everything I needed and wanted in a house just as God had promised!! As the girls ran through the house squealing with excitement, Hannah stopped to ask, "Mommy, can we buy this house?" I told her "yes" and I made an offer on the spot. Hannah proclaimed proudly, "Mommy, my heart was right!" Yes, Hannah. It was right!! The offer was accepted the next day!! I had a peace that I can't describe.

However, I started to question his plan when some problems arose and it looked like we wouldn't get the house after all. I cried out to God, "What are you doing? You can't do this to the girls! They trust you! You can't do this to their little faith!" Long story short God heard my cries, we moved in July 2nd with the help of some amazing people in our congregation—less than a week before we needed to be out of the other house. God cut it close, but he knew what he was doing and it was the perfect house and the perfect timing.

Today, the girls pray a different prayer every day, "Dear God, thank you for our new house." Just the other day out of the blue Kaylah said, "Mommy, God is so good. He gave us this house." Yes, He is Kaylah!

Seeing how He has used this journey to teach my girls about this faithfulness is absolutely priceless! My senior year of high school, I chose Jeremiah 29:11 as my life verse and I now trust this verse more than ever when He says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I rejoice in His faithfulness and in the future He has for us!

Visit Faith on Facebook



Friday, July 23, 2010

'yep, I'm intolerant'

I'm coming out of the politically correct closet and announcing to the world, "Yep! I'm intolerant!"

For instance, do you really want to go to an "open-minded" doctor with signs in the waiting room that read: "I Brake for Bacteria." "Save the Salmonella." "Take a Stand for Polio!" I want a doctor who is narrow-minded and completely intolerant to disease and physical afflictions when I'm told, "Turn your head and cough."

And I'm not getting on a plane with a pilot who comes over the intercom with, "Welcome aboard Lame Duck Airlines. We'll be traveling at whatever speed and altitude feels good at the time and should be arriving at our desti . . . destina . . . airport bar in time for "happy hour." So, put your seat in recline position, hold on tight to your carry-ons, and we'll be ready for take-off as soon as we cut off that 747 on our way to the runaway." (Where did he say the emergency exits were?!)

How about a tolerant mechanic at the brake shop? "I don't like to use the words 'safe' or 'unsafe' when it comes to brake shoes. I prefer to think of them having mechanical diversity."

[More: in print and on YouTube ]



Wednesday, July 21, 2010

coincidences or 'God-incidences'?

"The first girl you meet when you return to Marion College will become your wife."

No, this wasn't the prediction of a fortune teller or a 900-number "psychic friend." My pastor's wife was trying to console me after a break-up of an engagement and the feeling that I'd never, ever find true love.

"I just feel that's what the Lord is telling me," she said confidently. I was skeptical, but I did go back to school with a sense of fear that the "Bride of Frankenstein" would be waiting for me.

To quickly make my point, the first girl I met that year at college was Lois Farra—definitely no Bride of Frankenstein. Two and a half years later she changed her last name to "Watkins." A coincidence, perhaps. I would rather think of it as one of my friends calls it: "A God-incidence."

Throughout life God is orchestrating His will for our lives with "as it turned out" and "just then" incidences. Lois just "happened to be" the first person I met on campus. When our car broke down several miles from home, a neighbor "just happened" to have had to work late and "just happened" to notice us beside the road. When Lois and a friend from out of town missed an appointment with each other at the hospital where both needed to call on parishioners, Lois decided to pick up some supplies at a Christian bookstore several miles from the hospital. "As it turned out" her friend "just happened" to be at the very same store!

Throughout my life, the Lord has used God-incidences to have me meet the right people for marriage, employment, writing assignments, and other ministry opportunities.

We can make our plans,
but the LORD determines our steps (Proverb 16:9).

The LORD directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives. (Psalm 37:23)

Your 'God-incidences'

Email me at jim@jameswatkins.com to share a God-incidence in your life. Thanks!

During his junior year in college our son had been accepted to the study abroad program in Australia. I knew that even tho we didn't have the money God would provide,since He had opened the door for Todd to go. One evening I said to my husband, "By the way, we need to send in $1,000.00 to the Abroad Program by next week. As I walked into our back bedroom, the doorbell rang. I returned to the living room within five minutes. My husband said, "Hold out your hand." In it he placed eleven, one hundred dollar bills. My father-in-law had stopped by and given us the money-after cashing in some bonds. He had no idea the need we had. We gave one hundred dollars back to God and paid the Program. This was a great witness to my father-in-law. Holy hugs, Kathryn Hartman

Jim, I loved your God Incidence story on your blog today. Mine is: I prayed for the friend of a friend to find a wife. God said, "Surprise! You're it!" Valentine's Day will be our 35th anniversary. Jeanette Levellie



Monday, July 19, 2010

watkins' church dictionary

Bored Meeting (No definition required!)

Byelines Third verse of hymns skipped over in congregational singing

Carnal nurture Replacing sermons with motivational talks

Church growth Side effect of too many carry-in dinners

'damentalist Believer who has lost the "fun" in his/her faith

Geek Orthodox A member of an online church

Helloship Shallow conversation in church foyers often mislabeled as "fellowship"

McMessage Entertaining sermon with little nutritional value

Meology Self-centered doctrine

Messchatology Deriving theology from "last days" novels

Tele-Vision Special revelation given to a TV evangelist when contributions fall behind budget projections

Two-timers Parishioners who only attend at Christmas and Easter

Writeousness Self-righteous attitude of authors who see the speck of dust in their brother's eye, but have a . . . uh, sorry, I'm out of room.

© James N. Watkins (Posted January 22, 1010)

Click for more. And email me at jim@jameswatkins.com to add your own entries. Thanks!

Your entries . . .

Textishioners Church members who spend time on their cell phones rather than listening to the message.
    Phillip Moody

Prying Mantises Nosey church members
    Jeanette Levellie



I need your input . . .

This summer, I'm tinkering with the look of my site. Which banner do you prefer? The banner at the top of this page or the one below? (Click here for large size.)



Email me your thoughts at jim@jameswatkins.com



Friday, July 16, 2010

'in this world you will have trouble'

One Sunday I made the mistake of teaching on John 16:33:

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Right after the closing prayer, one family went out into the sub-zero weather to find that they had left the van's lights on and their battery was dead. Another family discovered their four-year-old had gotten into their van, turned it on and backed over a parking bumper. The worship leader went home to find her husband gone with a note telling her he wanted a divorce. That night the church's hot-water heating pipes froze up and the parsonage's furnace broke down. A parishoner offered to thaw out the church's pipes with a blow torch and caught the building's subflooring on fire. Then things got worse!

The next Sunday, I promised never to speak on that passage again.

"Trouble" seems to be life's default setting: cancer, flat tires, kidney stones, IRS audits . . . the list goes on and on. So, I'm assuming you and I will be facing some trouble this week. But Christ offers us "peace" and "overcoming" victory this week as well. That's why Paul can write:

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:7-9).

So, I hope you're having a "but not" week! We will have trouble, but not defeat!

© 2009 James N. Watkins (Originally posted January 9, 2010)

Email me at jim@jameswatkins.com to leave a comment. Thanks!

If life is giving you lemons, you might find my book, Squeezing Good Out of Bad helpful. (And, if you're one of the 15 million unemployed, there's a link for a free copy.)



Wednesday, July 14, 2010

top ten things I (Jim) would do if I were God

I have in my right hand, direct from my home office—soon to be atop Mt. Sinai—today's category:

10. I'd know who really shot JFK, if there really are aliens in Roswell and the identity of KFC's "secret herbs and spices."

9. During creation, I'd spend a little more time on northern Indiana.

8. The next person who asked me to eternally destroy something, I'd take them up on their request. Suddenly there would be blinding light, a deafening roar, and a ten-foot-wide crater where that [bleep bleep bleeping] hard-to-start snowblower used to be. People would be a lot more careful what they said if I were God.

7. On the ark, I'd allow only one mosquito.

6. I'd dust off the ten plagues of Egypt and send them upon the Communist rulers, Third-World dictators and terrorists.

5. I'd require that all religious TV and radio programs carry the following disclaimer: "Views expressed by speaker are those of the speaker and do not necessarily reflect the views of God, His Son, or His church."

4. I'd order all kinds of poetic punishments for rapists, pimps and child abusers—none of which can be posted on a family-friendly site. (See also, Top ten people who deserve a special place in hell.)

3. I'd cause all paintings of white Anglo-Saxon Jesus to disappear in the twinkling of an eye. God's Son was born a Jew in the Middle East!

2. I'd enforce an eleventh commandment: Thou shall not forward urban legends or those dreadful "If you love Jesus you'll forward this annoying animated artwork to ten friends" emails.

1. I'd make sure only nice things happen to nice people like you and me!

Okay, okay, it's a good thing that I'm not God. (If I can't even balance my checkbook, I have no business running the universe.) And, nothing personal, I'm glad you're not God either. The omniscient God promises:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,"
    declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8-9).

I just need to trust that! (And try to enjoy the flat, frozen nothingness of northern Indiana.)

© 2002, 2010 James N. Watkins (Originally posted online January 13, 2010)

Email me at jim@jameswatkins.com to add what you would do if you were God. Thanks!

Comments

If I were God, I would make everyone the same color and tongue. Maybe then people would understand each other enough to not fight so much.
    Ellen D

To Ellen D who posted a comment: God tried that . . . result: Tower of Babel; result result: mixed up languages . . . If I were God I think I would make it more clear as to why things happen. If bad things happen to good people as well as good things happening to bad people, I'd be a little more clear in my purpose for that. Don't know that it would help my image, but I'd give it a shot. lisa942@gmail.com

Here are some thoughts on that pesky WHY? question: Some thoughts on life's tough questions

I'd take all the fat out of chocolate, butter, and ice cream, and I'd give all my kids permanent muscles, so exercise would be unnecessary. (Can you tell I'm trying to cut back on fat and exercise more?)
    Jeanette Levellie



Monday, July 12, 2010

are you listening to Goliath or God?

David had a choice in 1 Samuel 17. He could believe the promises of Goliath or God.

Goliath walked out toward David with his shield bearer ahead of him, sneering in contempt at this ruddy-faced boy. "Am I a dog," he roared at David, "that you come at me with a stick?" And he cursed David by the names of his gods. "Come over here, and I'll give your flesh to the birds and wild animals!" Goliath yelled.

David replied to the Philistine, "You come to me with sword, spear, and javelin, but I come to you in the name of the LORD of Heaven's Armies—the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. Today the LORD will conquer you, and I will kill you and cut off your head. And then I will give the dead bodies of your men to the birds and wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel! And everyone assembled here will know that the LORD rescues his people, but not with sword and spear. This is the LORD's battle, and he will give you to us!"

As you know, it was Goliath who became buzzard meat.

We have a choice whose promises we will believe: our enemy or our God:

"You're a loser, a worthless failure" or "You're a child of God."

"You can't do it" or "I will give you strength."

"You're out of work and you're going to starve" or "I will provide for you."

"You have six months to live" or "In Me, you have eternal life."

"Your prodigal children are lost" or "I will guide them home."

"No one loves you" or "I love you unconditionally."

"You're alone" or "I am with you."

We have a choice whose promises we will believe: the loser or the winner.

© 2009 James N. Watkins (Originally posted online January 27, 2010)

Email me at jim@jameswatkins.com to leave a comment. Thanks!



this month on twitterface

Here are my favorite posts for July from my Twitter and Facebook pages:

(07.29) jameswatkins.com is a Jersey-Shore-free zone. You're welcome!

(07.26) jameswatkins.com is a Chelsea-Clinton-wedding-free zone. You're welcome!

(07.22) The economy is bad when ice cream chain Baskin-Robbins lays off five flavors! [Getting the ax: Caramel Praline Cheesecake, Campfire S’mores, Apple Pie a La Mod, Superfudge Truffle and French Vanilla.]

(07.19) Working on a challenging curriculum writing assignment. Not sure what hurts more: my butt or brain.

(07.15) BP just announced they're stopped the flow of crude oil. Now, if the government could just stop the flow of red ink!

(07.15) It's hot! I stopped by Papa Murphey's "bake your own" Pizza. By the time I got home, it was done!

(07.15) Mel Gibson's career as an actor and director is probably over after his obscene, hateful, racist, sexist rants against his girlfriend, but he has a bright future as a rapper.

(07.14) If the early bird gets the worm, the wise worm will sleep til noon.

(07.11) This weekend, the Anglican Church voted down a compromise to allow women bishops. Some thoughts on women in ministry.

(07.10) To a friend who just lost an acting award and views it as "another failure." Earthly failure often leads to heavenly success.

(07.04) As Grandma Watkins would say about recent weather, "It's hotter than hades in July." Speaking of which, "Top ten people who deserve a special place in hell"

(07.01) Any time someone "unequivocally and emphatically" denies an allegation, he's usually unequivocally and emphatically guilty.

(07.01) Lois is taking steroids for a severe case of poison ivy. I think they're working; she just picked me up over her head.

(07.01) Celebrate July 4 safely. Keep fireworks away from mannequins and watermelons!



top ten web pages from june

I have in my right hand—direct from my home office in Corn Borer, Indiana—June's top ten most popular pages at jameswatkins.com. [May's ranking]

1. Home page [1]

2. "I just want to die" [2]

3. Were United States founding fathers Christian? [3]

4. Top ten reasons I'm not divorcing my wife [4]

5. Does DNA disprove evolution? [9]

6. Dealing with death and grief [6]

7. The hidden habit: masturbation [7]

8. Encouraging quotes [8]

9. Conspiracy theories [10]

10. Women in ministry resources [13]



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legal stuff and warnings

Copyright © James Watkins. All text and graphics on my sites, unless otherwise noted, are copyrighted © in my name, James N. Watkins, and are protected by United States copyright law and international copyright law under the Berne Convention. Please visit the press room for information on reprinting any text or graphics. Thanks!

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